Scattered Brain

2008-08-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

I went to a funeral about a week ago. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I've been to many funerals, including all four of my grandparent's, but this one was particularly life changing. Perhaps it is because I did not know the person very well.
He was the grandpa of my sister-in-law. I had meat him in passing a few times. Each time that I had the blessing of speaking with him, or rather listening to him, he had something wise or profound to say. He was a man that spoke frankly and often, but never did he have something to say that had no meaning. As a Pearl Harbor survivor he served his country on USS St. Louis. Later in life he planted two churches, one of which is pastored by his son.
I tell all of these things for two reasons. I was both inspired by stories of his life and his death. After hearing from 5 of his children and his only son-in-law, and learning what he had accomplished, I couldn't help but question my life. What am doing with my life? What will my legacy be? The memorial service was one of celebration. It was his time to go. He had spread his love and wisdom to hundreds, maybe thousands. He had left a legacy that not many can match. I can only hope that memories of me will be as celebratory.

Happy 4th!!!

2008-07-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for getting caught up in the true meaning of the 4th of July. Yesterday morning I started my day by watching Glory, the movie about the first black regiment of the Civil War. I cried my guts out! I always do. That's one of my favorite movies. Obviously much of the heroism is fabricated, but I can't help getting emotional over the sacrifice of so many men and women before us and even now in Iraq and Afghanistan. Whether or not you agree with our troops being where they are, it is important to support those people who volunteered to put their lives on the line for us. They didn't choose to be in this particular war.
Through all of my studies I have learned to love what it is to really be an "American". The USA was founded by a group of rebel outcasts who had no where else to go. The idea of our government, though based on Greek and Roman ideas, was radical and unheard of. Our founding fathers decided to try something new, something where we can all be free of oppression, hatred, and suffocation of new ideas.
Last night I sat outside on my friends back porch and watched fireworks. I could hear and see explosions all around me. The national anthem was written during a battle which yielded great explosions and flashes of fire and light. Yes, fireworks are a celebratory expression but to me they mean so much more. They remind me that our country was bought at a great price. There were 25,000 deaths during the Revolutionary War. Only 8,000 of these deaths were actually on the battle field or from wounds suffered during battle. Provisions and sufficient clothing were so scarce that 17,000 people died from disease. Imagine having a belief in something so radical and unheard of that you're willing to die in those conditions. 25,000 people died for freedom. They died protecting an idea that was looked down on by the rest of the world. 25,000 people died so that we can have ideas that wouldn't be suppressed. The next time you hear an idea that may seem stupid or out there, try to evaluate it and give it a chance. That is American.

First Blog!

2008-07-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

This will be my first blog entry so please bear with me. I'll do my best to improve with each entry. I've found myself wanting to write quite a bit recently. I started journaling again and I wrote a poem yesterday. I will post it at the end of the blog.
I am not exactly sure what to write. I have so many thoughts but not sure where to begin. I feel like I've gone through a transformation recently. Maturing more in the past two weeks than I ever have has been a roller coaster of emotions. A euphoric feeling of relief and hope for the future have suppressed the feelings of disappointment in my past. This is difficult in some respects. I study history both as a hobby and in school. I guess I love history for two basic reasons: learning from it, and honoring the lives of so many before us. This is perhaps why there is disappointment in my past. I don't feel like my past has any reason to be honored. Yes, I can however learn from it. That is why my hopes and visions for the future are bright.
My relationship with God is stronger than it ever has been before. I am excited to talk to Him every day which is a somewhat new feeling. He'll always be with me and I know I can count on Him. This has really helped me focus on other things. By spending more time with God I am finding more time for other things that I need and less time on things that keep me distracted. Because my time with God is increasing, my relationship with my family, which has never been bad, seems stronger. I think they have more respect for me which is odd because they have no idea what my spiritual life is like. I also am making new friends which is such a blessing.
A friend of mine had something bad happen to him this week. He had a job lined up which was to be the start of his new career. As he was preparing for the job and doing some of the orientation stuff he was told by his immediate supervisor that other people involved were setting my friend up for failure. He was assured that it had nothing to do with him. In fact, the same was done with the person in that position before him. Obviously this news is discouraging but it got me thinking. Had he not been counting on this job, he may have, in haste, taken another job. I will not claim to know God's plan for someone else, but is it possible that the right job for my friend had not been lined up yet? I think so.
My future is wide open and I'm excited to search my options and find out what is in store. I can see more clearly now than I ever have. My slate is clean and my mind open.

Focus

My mind wanders
Attempting to focus on one
But going back to another

I can't avoid it
It haunts my dreams day and night
Trying to avoid it
But finding myself attempting to write

The words I feel
I can't express
The things I see
Hard to rest

My heart confused
My mind wondering
Heart confused
Mind wondering

Not knowing what to think
But knowing how it feels
Racing, racing where?
So fast it almost spills

Out of my mouth my heart speaks
My mind unaware but its interest peaked
By the one
Not attempting to focus on